Life After Loss

 

Today I ran across this picture on my Timehop:

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It’s not the type of picture that would normally elicit memories from the entire day because I probably posted a million similar pictures. This picture however brought with it an array of unexpected emotion.

2 years ago today I sat alone in my living room with my ridiculously pitiful pup and wrote the last blog post I have had any desire to write. I sat for hours with tear stained cheeks and typed my heart out in my Microsoft Word document. I hit saved, exited the program, and never posted it.

So here it is, the last blog post I wrote on January 13, 2015. Take heart half way through, it gets a little better toward the end

Dear 2015, 

I wish I had nice things to say to you, but I can’t think of any right now.
So far you have brought pain and bitter heartache.

I want this to be a letter about all about the positive things, the things you have in store, the secrets to come, the adventures to be had, no negative and no bad…

but it can’t be. 

Because with all of the things that are in store and all of the adventures to be had, there is still a bitter ache.

2015 will never be what I thought it should be.

Every happy thing that happens, the things I will want to shout from the rooftop,
the things that make me want to pick up the phone and call home,
will immediately remind me
that 2015 will never be what I thought it should be. 

And when the days get hard and I feel low,
when I am in the grocery store and I can’t find the right aisle,
when I have more kids in my house and need advice or just an understanding ear
I will again remember
that 2015 will never be what I thought it should be. 

No matter what else happens, 2015, when I look back at you it will sting.
Along with the good memories will come the heartache
Along with the adventures will come a sharp pain
2015 will never be what I thought it should be.

It’s 2015 and 10 days ago my mom died.

2015 will never be what I thought it should be.

Don’t stop reading yet though, because the good part is coming.

For me, 2015 has been heartache and pain beyond what I have known before
but 2015 is not what my mom thought it would be either.
You see, my mom was battling Leukemia, she had been battling it in one form or another for over 2 years. She had undergone extensive chemo, lost all of her hair, had a catheter in her chest, been through a bone marrow transplant, and lost her life as she had previously known it to be. She didn’t have the energy to work, or the immune system to spend time around many other people.
Her life had become something that she never thought it would be.

But she didn’t quit.
She persevered, she ran the race and she finished well.
She loved to the end.
She loved the people that others took for granted.
She loved the downcast and the overbearing.
She knew the love of Jesus and she gave love from Jesus.

Her life had become something that she never thought it would be,
but that didn’t matter,
because Jesus was still the same.
He was the same for her
and I know
that even though 2015 will never be what I thought should be
He will be the same for me too. 

and 2015, even though you bring me pain,
I know you brought my mom peace

I know that right now she is Singing With the Saints.
So even though I am angry enough to throw things at you, and I am extremely conflicted about my feelings on the next sentence… on behalf of my mom I will say,

And for one reason or another, I never wrote that last sentence. I have no idea or memory of what I was planning to put there. Today I sit in a different living room typing once again with tear stained cheeks while eating crackers to curb the nausea that has come with the pregnancy of my second child and trying to my keep my first child from chewing on my toes with his brand new, really sharp teeth (babies are gross).

In September 2015 I found out I was pregnant for the first time, and I realized in that moment that this letter was accurate. For the rest of my life it will never be what I thought it should be. There are still so many happy days, and the years have looked much brighter than the end of 2014 and beginning of 2015 looked for my family, but the ache that comes with loss never really dulls or goes away, you just kind of learn to live differently.

I have also learned that while the first half of the letter is accurate mostly on the days when big things happen, the second half of the letter is even more accurate every single day. Jesus is still the same, and He is enough. He doesn’t take the pain away, because pain is part of life on this sin riddled Earth, but He holds us through it, He gives us the strength to continue, and He gives us joy even in the hard times.

So I want to encourage you this year, if you are or find yourself in a place of loss, depression, shame, guilt, fill in the blank, look to Jesus. He is the author and perfecter of our faith, He is there in every season, and as I have seen over and over again the past 2 years

HE MAKES ALL THINGS NEW

*Sorry my first post in 2 years was sappy and full of tears, hopefully in the years to come I will fill these pages with much more upbeat words.*

5 Common Question Answered =).

For those of you out there who have seen Clint and I recently with two small children and are confused about our situation I will give you a basic run down:

We are foster parents. Right now we have 2 awesome little girls. They are not ours forever. 

Questions we get all the time that I will attempt to answer gracefully:

1) How long do you have them?

Well, we have had them since February and if everything goes as anticipated they will be with us for less than a month more. Yes that is hard, yes we will probably cry after they leave, and yes if we had known how hard it was before hand we still would have done it because it was totally worth it. 

2) Will you do it again?

 We have every intention of taking another placement. That is what we signed up for, and the best part about our first placement is that we got to do more than just love on some kids for awhile. We got to love on an entire family and ultimately see a family restored. As christians, seeing lives restored is kind of what we are all about right? Our prayer as we continue in this process is that we can continue to show the love of Jesus to this family as well as the families to come. 

3) Will you take a break?

Yes. I don’t know for how long, but we are going to take a break. We think it will be healthy for us to take a little bit of time to recuperate emotionally and spiritually. 

4) Doesn’t their situation just make you mad at the parents?

Short answer: No. Every situation is different and this specific situation gave no reason for me to be mad at or upset with the parents. The fact is that these kids have a mom who loves them so so much and overcame a lot of obstacles to get her family back. We rejoice in that. We are thrilled that they have such an amazing mom who loves them so much. 

5) Well, it takes a special person

*I know that wasn’t a question, but it’s a phrase we hear a lot* 
Please read this in a gentle loving tone. 
Thank you for thinking that we are special but kindly hear me when I say that we are not. The only thing we have that makes us special is Jesus. The fact of the matter is without Him we couldn’t do it either. We as christians are called to care for the widowed and fatherless. There are many ways to do this; Compassion, Fostering, Adoption, Respite Care, Big Brothers Big Sisters, PRAYER etc.. Each one comes with challenges and will be hard at times if your heart is in it, but ultimately as christians we are not called to love just when it is easy. We are called to love when it is hard and rips our hearts out because we have The One who can put it all back together again. When you let those hard moments and challenges come in between you and the God-given calling to care for these individuals you are robbing yourself of a more intimate relationship with Christ, and these kids of a loving home, or money for and education, or someone to look up to in their lives. 
If you haven’t found a way to love on or care for the widowed and fatherless please pray about how God would have you to do that today. Again, there are many many possibilities but please don’t choose one just because it looks like the easiest. Please choose on that God has placed on your heart. 

Thank you for reading and please understand that everything I write I write in love. 
Please be in prayer for our family as we get ready to transition in to a new phase. 

Thank you again

Kels

Because despite what our culture tells us; Less is More.

I have been living in a state of spiritual peace for awhile now. Probably too long. Does that sound weird?

The fact of the matter is God doesn’t allow us to live in spiritual peace for too long because He loves us right were we are but way too much to leave us there (no, I did not come up with that all on my own…). 

So the past week it has dawned on me that there is probably a problem. I started praying that God would reveal the sin in my life and begin molding me to be more like Him. 

The entire time I was praying that prayer the flesh inside of me was yelling DANGER: DANGER! 

God has brought 2 things to light in the past couple of days for me. 

Have you ever been in the middle of something and just knew God was speaking to you? Today I’m pretty sure He informed me that I am a spoiled brat, and often times ungrateful. I mean, it’s one thing to hear that from your parents, or your spouse, but when you feel it in your Spirit it hurts.

I think I’m going to start getting rid of things soon, because things tend to be my downfall. It seems the more I have the more I want. I have way too many clothes, but when I look in my closet every morning, I feel like I have nothing to wear. 
I have way too much make-up, and yesterday I’m pretty sure God gently informed me that I’m dumb for always trying to improve on something that He created in His image.

I know this is random, but it’s my heart right now. I struggle against material things on a very regular basis, and I think God is calling me to rid myself of the excess because really, less is so much more when you serve a God that fed a thousands out of the lunch box of a little boy.

 

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